The Good, the Bad, and the Regretful
Mr. Jim (who, btw, has been on the cover of the Wall Street Journal and the Seattle Times in the past week) called me today to do his mentor-y thing. He asked me what I thought of the Gridblog experiment. It was the standard trifecta: 1) what worked, 2) what didn’t work, and 3) what would you do differently. I haven’t got a hold of him yet, but I’ve been chewing those things over a lot the last couple days and here’s what I think.
The Good
I made a call for a gridblog on International Women’s Day. Although I haven’t been able to read all the comments, I have read most of the other gridblog posts, and I’ve been inspired and educated by what everyone has written there. Several women have commented, emailed, or posted that it’s been helpful to hear the stories posted out there in blogland. It’s been an edifying experience to hear bits of one’s own tale echoed in the narrative of others. I’m grateful for that. There’s some kind of ‘shoring up’ that happens when many people join their voices in one chorus. That’s a good thing
The Bad
The thing that has been the worst about this experience is that some of the stories women told were denied and invalidated. As I become increasing accustomed to my postmodern lenses, I forget that many people – especially evangelical and fundamentalist Christians—are still firmly embedded in modernity. To modernists there is but one truth to each story. Thus the saying, “there are three opinions on every matter…yours, mine, and the truth.” (Or something like that.) However, in a postmodern mindset there is space to hold more than one truth at time in the same hand. A postmodern version of the previous quote might be something like “there are multiple truths in most matters: your’s, mine, and the other’s.” In this manner post modernity makes space for individual experiencer to stand in the truth/reality of their story – it allows people to say “this is what happened to me, this is what I experienced.”
In regards to the activity on my blog in particular, a couple of Mars Hill advocates responded to women’s stories not with graciousness and space, not with the willingness to allow each women to hold to the truth of her own experience, but with denial and accusations of untruth (some might even say the women were being accused of lying.) Telling one’s story is a tender thing. Not all of my readers and commentors were attentive to that. This left me feeling very sad and disheartened.
Is there a space to question the veracity of someone’s tale? Of course. People do lie. People do get things wrong. But when someone is telling you “hey, something bad happened to me here…it felt bad…I hurt.” and someone else says, “Why no, that didn’t happen at all. You shouldn’t have felt anything negative there.” –that’s an inappropriate response. Because obviously something did happen there, something painful and damaging, something that requires words of healing and confession and forgiveness – not words of accusation. In some ways it felt as if there were stories of abuse on the table, and a crew of folks stood up and said “Oh no, you weren’t abused. That was actually consensual—you just misunderstood.” Or worse yet, “You deserved it.” I’m having a hard time describing just how damaging those exchanges were. It’s really bad.
My purpose in blogging was not to begin a debate over the rightness or wrongness of women leading in the home and in the church. (Although, I’m happy those called to that particular discussion are finding a place to hold it in my virtual living room.) Rather, my purpose in blogging was to encourage people to tell their stories, to become empowered in that telling, and to speak out against patriarchy and injustice. I’m not sure that message got across. I’m not certain the kind of response these stories evoked allows that goal to be met.
The Regretful
Am I regretful? Two truths emerge out of that question.
No, I’m not regretful—at least not for calling for the gridblog. The force of the other 30 or more bloggers who contributed far outweighs the discomfort and sadness over here at my place.
Yes, I am regretful. I regret that I posted what I did. I wish I had found another way to convey my experience as a pastor in the same parish as the powerhouse that is Mars Hill—a way that stood on my stories alone, a way that only made me vulnerable in the telling. This is my biggest regret, that those whose tales are intertwined with mine were hurt while I stand unscathed.
Oh that there were some sort of wonderful summary sentence here. Some perfect holistic closure. But alas, this just where the story ends – a little hopefulness, a little regret, and still a lot of pain. My housemate reads a book to my children. It’s called Tales of the Kingdom. It’s an allegory in which the King’s people have a battle cry. That’s what I’m left with now, at the end of this post, at the end of this day:
“How goes the world?”
“The world goes not well.”
“But the Kingdom comes!”
“To the King!”
“To the Restoration!”
To the now and the not yet—may kingdom come.
-Rachelle
rachelle, after reading your blog from the gridblog, i was impressed with how well you articulate your thoughts. please don’t be apologetic for anything you said. nothing was mean-spirited. it was clear and thoughtful. at one time, i had the same doctrinal position as mars hill, and of course now, i am married to someone who is a powerful representative of the kingdom. i do believe that this is a justice issue. we can no longer be silent.
Rachelle,
Love covers over a multitude of regrets
For some reason, because of your migraine post of several days ago, I thought your blog had gone on hiatus while you worked through your med changes. I clicked tonight and then saw all this activity and all the comments. Obviously there are a lot of folks out there who are not apathetic–and I’d rather see almost any emotion vs. apathy.
So, first of all, I hope you are feeling lots better. And though I did not participate in your gridblog (never even heard of it before, but I like the concept), I’ve read a few of the entries and know that you did feel unfairly treated by some of your commenters. Not living in your neighborhood, I don’t really “understand,” but I can certainly identify with putting your story out and then out of other people’s judgments, feeling like you weren’t accepted for who you are and how you are feeling. Sounds like a can of worms was opened, but sometimes those kinds of situations are what ultimately brings the healing. I like your Tales of the Kingdom analogy. Hang in there, girl.
thank you for this post. this event has started many discussions in my own world which too are both good and bad. hopefully understanding, growth, and healing can occur. and thanks for the tales of the kingdom shout out - great series.
Hi Rachelle, so glad you’re up for the ocassional post. This gridblog activity and reading has been both painful and healing for me. It has given me renewed strength and vision for what in this world I want to pass on to my daughter and how I want her to be able to face it. She is 12 now and on the cusp of being a woman. I don’t have much time left. I just can’t thank you enough for being the fanner of the flame. I know I will continue to write about this as I keep thinking about it. Thank you for that as well.
Fran (and Co),
Nope, not on hiatus. The blog is the only thing I’ve kept up and running. I just can’t always keep up with the comments, especially when they are debative and long, requiring a lot of on-line reading, which is hard for me to do when I’m in pain. I will be writing though. I can’t really survive without writing.
Thanks for your kind thoughts.
Rachelle
thanks rachelle for organizing the grid. it was a meaningful experience for me. i really appreciated reading all the thoughts out there. wow, i just read through all the comments on yours… pretty crazy. i feel a little sick to my stomach actually. but discussion is better than silence, i guess. my comfort to the women whose stories were dismissed.
p.s. i visited mars hill when i first moved to seattle before i had heard any opinions about it, and within minutes into the sermon my spirit sensed an affront. the message came through loud and clear in the pervasive ideology that betrayed a power relationship in which women (and any “outsiders” for that matter) are marginalized. i couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
that is my personal experience. no one can tell me that is NOT my experience.
rachelle (& ingrid…jim…& all)
i love so much about each of you. thursday nights have been the biggest gifts to me this year. wow. i am blessed to stand in the company of such amazing people!
jen m.
Some criticism- I hope it is constructive.
1. Write structured thoughts. You need a clear coherent idea for everyone to rally around. Write it and get out. Rhetoric will do you no good.
2. Keep it short. You original post, up unil “we find a hammer” was great. After that, the more you write, the more it just sounds like someone compliaining about the rain and the trees.
3. Avoid fights. You called attention to one man and one place. This got interpreted as an attack. In the future keep it general. There are several megachurches in the Seattle area. You could have better protected the identity of the women and focused more on their stories if you had kept it to “a megachurch in the Seattle area” and “a very powerful and influencial pastor.” Both your congregation and Mars Hill walked away form this more hurt than when you both came to it.
4. Clearly state that you believe in multiple truths. If you are arguing from a post modern perspective and the person you are talking to is not, then you are not going to get far. Much of the grief on the comments comes from that.
I think if you had done this, things would have been much different.
I enjoyed reading the posts and comment on the Gridblog.
I felt the post your wrote was from your heart and you have nothing to apologize for!
I come here because I respect your honesty and openness.
rachelle,
i’d like to disagree with Leo’s comment, purely because i love the way you write - your style draws me in, your subject matter inspires me, your courage challenges me…
thanks. hold fast.
cheryl
Rachelle - I for one am glad that you initiated the gridblog, despite the things that cause you regret. It stirred up in me feelings that had lain dormant for quite awhile - feelings and memories that may be painful, but are important to remember as I strive to make the world a better place for my daughters. Because I’ve found my way into a career and church where I am fully validated, I sometimes forget that there are still women living these painful stories. I don’t want to forget. I want to remember and work toward a world (and especially a faith) that helps create new stories.