Guest Blogger: Grid Blog for International Women’s Day
and other round of applause for fellow monkifsher Ingrid Buchan as she tells it like it really is….
The Myth of the Virgin Bride
…..well it is for me anyway.
I’m 27 years old and have absolutely no friends that were virgins before marriage. Even in my church community I’m barely aware of anyone that didn’t have sex before they tied the knot. I, and many of these friends, grew up in church and most of us were told that sex before marriage is a sin, so why do so few actually abide by it.
I read an article in Christianity Today, by Lauren Winner, that stated that 75% of women have sex before marriage and 2/3 of Christian singles aren’t virgins, hmm…
Even the, supposedly, successful “True Love Waits” campaign only postpones teens and young people from having sex 18 months longer then those that never took the pledge. The most disturbing discovery is that those who took the pledge and broke it were more likely to get pregnant and contract STD’s. For some reason in the eyes of these teens a thought-out decision is a greater sin then a brief period of giving into temptation. Not to mention that most of these girls are probably undereducated on the risks and how to protect themselves.
It seems to me that the church is doing more harm to their young adults and community by expecting a rule to be kept when so few are able. As it would seem from the article the more extreme the method of enforcing this rule the greater the risk for those that subscribe to it. How does this line up with God’s nature?
Think of the story of the woman caught in adultery who was about to be stoned to death, Jesus protected her first from physical harm. It feels like the church would rather feed our single people to the wolves and who ever doesn’t survive are broken and weak, casualties of war. Does this qualify as modern day stoning?
If Gods rules are meant to protect people, than we should talk about how the world is, not some utopia that doesn’t translate into reality.
Why can’t we focus on teaching all the options, benefits, and consequences of all the choices instead of shaming people into living a double life, and making us all feel guilty for desiring something that God created in us for a reason.
I’m not sure that sexual repression over a long period doesn’t have its own psychological and spiritual consequences. Think of the agony over feeling these natural intimate desires but because of your single status your only option is to die to their sexual nature and denying the expression of it for an indefinite period of time. For people my age that option is dismal and I wonder if not ridiculously unnecessary.
What if denying healthy sexuality, is just as harmful to the psyche and self image as engaging in unhealthy sexual activity? Think about it, once someone becomes an adult they are expected to make decisions for themselves and learn from them. I’m sure people in general want to make choices that are in their best interest. But for some reason when it comes to sexual choices it’s assumed that people are going to want to make the wrong one, so we’ve come up with a black and white, no exceptions rule. There are support groups and scare tactics to convince everyone that our interpretation of the Bible is still relevant. Talk about creating an obsession.
What are we so afraid of? Why can’t we trust people to make their own choices and learn from them like we do with most other decisions.
I think our society’s view of sexuality is warped–religious and secular alike. Christian leaders seem preoccupied with having squeaky clean theology, never allowing themselves to sit in the gray on some issues in order to protect their sons and daughters from harm.
If anyone even reads this, there will be plenty of you to tell me I’m wrong, and that’s really ok. I’m not trying to be right just real and will not allow myself to be shamed into silence even if it marginalizes my faith.
Now, this is a topic that I can sink my teeth into a little bit. On one hand, I stand by what the bible says about sexual purity. However, I don’t think of it in terms of sexual virtue as an ideal. I’m much more pragmatic. From my experience, sex is wonderful, powerful and can lead to lots of unexpected consequences. So, I think we have to inform our young people about the wonderful dimensions of their sexuality, while at the same time training them to use their God-given imagination to think about the potential consequences of their sexual choices.
On the other hand, I don’t think the church is necessarily the entire blame. Our particular society is set up such that people are forced delay marriage (where sex takes place in covenant context). And our culture mirrors the social order, so that if an individual marries early, then unless that individual is a Mormon one is considered a freak. The problem is that our bodies are designed to “get busy” way before we can finish a MD, PhD, or BA for that matter. Let alone becoming financially independent. Toni Morrison, the author, has some real controversial opinions about this topic.
I’m inclined to agree with bostic as to some of the issues. We’ve definitel made it harder on ourselves to practice celibacy by extending the time before we become married.
However, although the numbers are comparatively small, I’d be curious to see more study done on those who do manage to wait. I’m one such person, so I’m naturally not unbiased. I don’t claim that it was an easy thing to do, especially as I was 29 by the time I got married. However, I am glad that I was able to. Is this the usual experience of those few who are able (by whatever grace of God you may choose to invoke) to remain virgins until marriage, or is it more common (as you suggest in your post) that people who wait suffer from “psychological and spiritual consequences”? And should this prove true, does that mean that God’s word is wrong on this matter, or simply that we’ve misinterpreted it? (I’m perfectly willing to accept the interpretation that “sexual immorality” can be defined in ways other than “any sex that takes place outside of the marriage of one man and one woman”, but expect that we’d need to go deeper)
Anyway, although I seem to come from a different perspective and opinion than you, I hope that my comments are not “knee-jerk” or otherwise hostile. This is a discussion well worth having.
thanks so much ingrid!
you’re the best!
I agree with Bostic, our society is totally out of whack with our biology. I think, largely that the problem people are facing is that our society has separated sex, marriage and children. If you are willing to have sex, you should be willing to support children, cause well, they can happen when you have sex, even with birth control. We have tried to dismantle this triangle and I think to disasterous effect.
Sex, marriage, and children really are all one and the same. Even if you are divorced with children, more often then not the other spouse still has some effect on you and your children (even if they are absent), and in that sense you are still married in that you really can’t sever that bond with the other person. I think that is why adultry and fornication are seen as bad, as they are indicative of irresponsibility wrt the effects of sex. One shouldn’t pursue sex and children without the commitment from each person to each other that marriage commands.
God cares for his children and he wants us to do the same,to be like him. But the message of Jesus and the adulterous woman about to be stoned is that we all sin and in my understanding no sin is greater than another so the only thing that we can do is to give it to Jesus and lead others to do the same with their sins.
i like your comment bostic… personally, while i’ve always had a very strong commitment to abstinence, i’ve also learned that denying sexual potential entirely can be very damaging spiritually. i strongly agree with you that biology runs ahead of what our society sets for a kind of “sex timeline” if you will, and the religious part of society is even worse at it. it’s a hard question and i’m still thinking about it, but that leads me to ask: what kind of opinions does toni morrison have? i respect her greatly for her writing but know nothing of her thoughts on the subject. is there a link to an article, perhaps, that has her expounding on this?
Thanks for this Ingrid. I agree that historically the church has demanded that people live a double life — one that they show in their Sunday best, and then the real one. I appreciate you naming the reality vs. the warped secular/christian ideal.
I have difficulty with the heterosexism shown in some of the responses so far. Sex, marriage and children are the same thing? Please. Not all sex leads to marriage, nor should it. Not all marriages lead to children, nor should they. And I wonder where our gay and lesbian Christian friends fit into that model.
i just want to say that i was very proud of ingrid for writing this and i whole heartedly agree with her. kudos for honesty and realism!
my evangelical upbrining has given me a very skewed view of my sexuality, and at 37 i have only partially unpacked what i’ve been taught in order to find out what is really Jesus-y and what is just Christian culture. the whole thing about a woman’s virginity being “her gift” to give her spouse is just wierd to me. i’ve talked with so many women who carry deep burdens about the “loss” of thier virginity and i mourn with them and for them, because i don’t think they need to carry so much guilt and shame around the matter. it’s all way overly weighted in the religious world. and certainly i won’t be teaching the virging-gift myth to my girls. i’d rather they learn how to have respectful realtionships — that is, that their sexual activity be appropriate to their age, maturity, and the nature of a given realtionship. (btw, paul and i are not in agreement with this — we’re working on what exactly to say to the kids since we have different views on the matter.) do i want them having multiple partners in high schoo. hell no. but neither do i want them agonizing over every level of phsyical involvement until they marry — if they ever marry — or, worse yet, marrying so they can have sex w/0 guilt. i mean, it’s just so messed up!
in my relationships with people who have grown up outside the Evangelical bubble — mainline Christians and people who are not Christians — i find a lot of healthy sexuality expressed in active, but respectful sex lives. whereas many of my evangelical friends and contacts are knotted up with victorian sexual standards that have little to do with scripture or biology and a lot to do with outmoded religious culture.
just my 2cents from someone on the learning curve.
I would agree Rachelle that protecting virginity is more a means to an end. I think it all depends on the reasons. The “because I am supposed to” line really doesn’t cut it. Thats legalism. If its because a woman has decided to give it as a gift, okay. But largely it really seems more real if it is done out of an awareness that one should be prepared to take responsibility for their actions. Out of care for another. I know several men who upon getting married called their wives by the wrong name durring intercourse just because they remembered sex with another woman many years before. How do these women feel when that happens? Sex is too powerful to trivialise, and I think that is what our society wants to do. Considering that childbirth can kill, the begining of that process is sex. Add in AIDS. Sex can and does kill when used lightly.
Christ can renew virginity of the heart. In the predestination view is that man and woman are destined to be married from the beginning and that fornication is in fact a form of adultery.
One of the things my mom did right took place when she found a nine year old me looking at a playboy magazine that featured one of her good friends. I was all of nine years old and trippin off this woman’s public hair. My mom delicately took the magazine and said, “Sex is a beautiful thing and I don’t want you to learn about it like this.”
Those words stuck in my head and may be the reason I never really got caught up in porno or hung up about sex. From my perspective, God looked at creation and said, “It is good.” So, let’s get that straight…Sex is a good thing.
Much of what “we” (I think mostly European folks) struggle is based on myths. One of the strictest most prudent religious sects that I can think of were the Puritans. They had two interesting things going on in their community. One was a high rate of illegitimacy among even the ministers daughters and a lot of pre-wedlock pregnancy. They also believed that a large family was evidence of a good marriage. There is evidence that the men and the women in their communities loved “gettin down.” In other words, there was what seems to see a little hypocrisy going on ( I use the term tongue in cheek) with what they said and what they did.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very conservative religiously and I think that when young people allow their hormones to dictate their sexual behavior, later in life they will have a world of regrets. That is if they are around and sane enough to have regrets. Sex is wonderful, but the most dangerous gift that the Lord gave us. I want to add that it kills me how people who had parents and communities who at least made an effort to protect them complain about it. I would have loved to have had someone balance my mom’s hippy love approach out with a little godly caution.
On the other hand, we are hung up, but I don’t think it has anything to do with Jesus, faith, Christianity, etc and so on. Some of it might have to do with over-cerebral feminism. Just a thought. This is my ramble for my day.
For Morrison’s views see__Conversations with T. Morrison___. What she has to say is brief but provocative.
This is an incredibly interesting conversation.
I signed the True Love Waits card in high school with the rest of my youth group and confess that I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye but I won’t give them any credit for the fact that I’ve remained a virgin (I’m going on 25). All it did was contribute to the guilt I felt when a boy kissed me for the first time. I wouldn’t even give my church much credit because there I was just told don’t do it (whatever “it” is) and saw the condemnation for the girls in my youth group that did get pregnant.
Somewhere I picked up that sex was something to guard. Probably from my mom who was a pregnant teen and she was constantly downplaying dating and encouraging me to pursue education, career, and travel. Boys and sex would only get in the way. Apparently a woman can’t have it all.
I wasn’t given permission to see myself as a sexual being until a lecture in my final year in (a Christian) university. She told the students that we are sexual beings whether we are sexually active or not and our sexuality is important. Gosh I feel like a freak! Ha ha! But this was big news for me!
I still hold the belief that two consenting adults doesn’t make extra-marital sex okay. But chastity is not easy. Sometimes it sucks. I wish that this could be communicated in the churches that teach abstinence so that people aren’t freaked out by their own desires. I wish the message was from the positive-“practice chastity” rather than “don’t have sex.” Oh and some practical advice on how to practice chastity would be nice too- not rules but advice.
I’ve found Lauren Winner’s book, Real Sex, helpful. Something that stands out is her perspective on sex in the community: “Because sex forms us, sex is a community matter. Sexual ethics make good sense…In the Christian universe, the individual is not the vital unit of ethical meaning. For Christians, the most basic images, metaphors, and signs are corporate, and the basic unit of ethical meaning is the Body, the community.” Christians practive chastity for the health of the community. She also talks about chastity as something that carries into marriage, which is translated as fidelity. Her honesty about her own relationship failures and struggle with chastity is refreshing. Has anybody else read her book?
I would like to add my two cents to this one.
I know, and know of, a few people that have abstained from having sex until marriage. I know that after they got married their sex life was rife with struggles and problems because of a myriad of reasons. They had let sexual desires build up so long that there was no way they or their partner could live up to those expectations. Or they have a real problem with opening up to someone in such an intimate way when for so long they denied that intimacy even to themselves.
I believe that when you deny sexual feelings, thoughts, angst, and everything else that comes with being human, you end up with a scarred psychological outlook. It is ten times harder to reverse this then it is to set in action.
I have a tremendous amount of respect for anyone who can abstain from sex and still be healthy about it. And that’s really the key of it. How can one not be “sexually active” and still not have sexual problems down the road? I know it can be done. At least I sure hope so. But the biggest role in all of this is teaching. How you learn about sex, like bostic said, directly correlates to how you view sex in the future.
I grew up in the church, a fairly fundamentalist one. The silence about anything sexual was deafening. And I have found there to be little talk within any church about sex. Which is extremely interesting to me. How can a society such as Christianity hold something such as virginity so dearly but at the same time be so closed up when it comes to sex? As if saying “Having sex can have disastorous consequences.” is enough. That statement is more likely to open the door rather than close it.
How much of a difference would it have made if when you were first learning about sex and you had all those questions someone simply said to you… “Sex and your sexuality are nothing to be ashamed of. Explore yourself and take joy in what your God has given you. Be wary to not take it to far, and if you need someone to talk to, I’ll be there.” Personally, life could have been a hell of a lot easier.
Your comment about the rates STD’s and pregnacy in people who are part of the True Love Waits or similar programs are very telling. It’s not “for some reason” that these people don’t use condoms or other birth control, it’s becasue many are filled with biased and untrue that they are dangerous or don’t work. I know one girl who is otherwise very educated who went through the TLW program and had no idea that there is any relationship between condoms and AIDS. This is not some 16 year old, she’s 22!
You MUST read Hugo’s post entitled “A long post on tradition, virginity, success, feminism, and a nonsensical double bind”. (scroll down a bit).
http://hugoboy.typepad.com/hugo_schwyzer/
He points out that our grandmothers only waited about 5 years between puberty and marriage, today’s woman has a gap of 15 years between puberty and marriage!