Cold Case

i put it all away today.

-the storyboard for the ‘zine i was hoping to have up by spring

-the supplies for the art journal class i was trying to teach at Fremont Abbey

-the file for my writer’s group

-the business cards for the publishers who had approached me about writing a book

-the plans for a spiritual direction practice

all of it is in a file box, like the kind they store evidence in in tv crime shows.
evidence that i once had a life that was bigger than pain. but now pain dominates, and everything else gets put on hold.

it’s all i can do to move through a day, take care of my family, be present to my children.

i can’t teach anymore, or committ to any project that requires consistent work. i think i even have to leave my writer’s group — i spend more time in the group that i do writting because all my writting time is consumed with pain management. (i’d like to say health management, but i don’t think the ratio of health-to-pain merits that vergbage yet.)

it’s time that i face into this reality and try, somehow, to mourn these tremendous losess, these dreams on indefinte hold.

24 Responses to “Cold Case”

  1. renee Says:

    I’m so sorry.

    I have a candle lit for you today.

  2. anj Says:

    Ouch - my heart aches reading this. Please know that I am sitting with you, in the small way that I can, in this facing of reality and focusing your energy, and holding you, and your mourning of these tremendous losses, in the Light. There is much beauty and much pain in these words. Thank you for taking the risk to share them.

  3. april Says:

    it kills me to read this.

  4. erica Says:

    I read, Rachelle, and I usually don’t say anything. But I wanted you to know that I read this and that I care about you.

  5. julia Says:

    i have read for a while - never commented.

    this is unfair and not right. it makes me sad that you have to go through this. and yet, you make art by mourning your loss .

  6. jen m. Says:

    Rachelle, I don’t understand this season. I don’t get why your head hurts. I think it is stupid that your head is hurting. I’m not very profound, but I think it is stupid. You are amazing. Thank you for a beautiful, sorrowful post. I am sorry. Words aren’t enough. I will pray that this will integrate into wholeness so that you can focus yourself in more interesting, life-giving areas that you would like to. i am praying for you. i really am. -jen m.

  7. Fran Says:

    Rachelle, I don’t know precisely what you are going through, but I pray, like the others who have commented, that the “putting away” is temporary. Even in illness, hope and creativity are tools for healing. Thinking of you and your family.

  8. poor_mad_peter Says:

    God’s Grace to you, Rachelle, in your Valley.

  9. Sue Says:

    wishing you peace rachelle….

  10. Jen Says:

    Oh, this is just so sad. So so sorry Rachelle.

  11. Dana Ames Says:

    Holding you in thought and prayer.

  12. aola Says:

    it really, really sucks!
    it sucks that you are in pain and not able to be all that you want to be because of the pain
    it sucks that the doctors can’t do something to help you.
    it sucks that God doesn’t heal you.
    it sucks that we can do nothing but tell you we care, we weep while you weep, we pray
    knowing it doesn’t help the situation any

    just know that when you feel like writing, we will be here to listen because your words make a difference

  13. Jennifer Juniper Says:

    holding you in prayer in these desert days, dear one

  14. Scott Says:

    I echo what others have said. I have nothing that will make it better, but I am sorry for your pain and the loss it has caused. May it be regained in joy soon.

  15. kellybean Says:

    my heart sank when i read your words.
    oh i am so sorry this is where you must walk right now.
    with love today,

  16. Phyllis Says:

    I’m adding my name to the list of the heartbroken for you. Please let us hold your dreams until you’re ready for them.

  17. Lisa Says:

    Holding you in the Light, with love.

  18. Doug Says:

    “…Put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?” (Ps 56:8).

    With prayers for you, Rachelle. And if you don’t find relief anytime soon, may your suffering be a blessing to you somehow, impossible as it seems.

  19. Fiona Says:

    May you find a desert rose.
    All my love…

  20. AllenReloaded Says:

    that sucks. sorry to hear about the intensity becoming so dominating. i have and will continue to pray for you.

  21. jen lemen Says:

    i love you so much and have great hope for your journey.
    i’m so sad you have to put all those things away.

  22. Pat Says:

    “Rage, rage against the dying of the light” - Blake

  23. Rachelle Says:

    Kisses to everyone who sent me such love. It was bouyancy for me … it kept me afloat.



  24. Hiver: A Zine for Midwinter -:- urban abbess Says:

    […] Many of you have traveled with me through the saga of chronic migrianes. About a year and a half ago I wrote about packing up all of my art-and-writing projects and putting them in the box headed for the basement. When I did that I had just begun on and idea for a ‘zine — actually for a series of ‘zines — and that is the project who’s death I mourned the most. […]