Yesterday I woke up in tears and it really never got better. I think I totally panicked Jen Lemen (does anyone else out there still miss her blog like I do?). I called her machine with that shaky “I’m really trying not to cry” voice. Nice way to freak out a friend, eh. ‘Though I couldn’t reach Jen, my housemate Sharon was home, so I cried on her shoulder for awhile.

You see, this is my sixth straight week of daily migraine pain and I’m not winning the emotional battle. I’m starting to get glimpse of a possible reality: this might be it for the rest of my life.

All I want to do is work. Is that so crazy? I want to write things and collage things and see people and maybe, just maybe sell a few feminine-face-of-god type items on the website. (Urban Abbess Goods…can’t you just see it?)

Once, Lynette Friesen said to me “Cancer I could handle. I can face death. But a lifetime of pain, no way.” At the time I thought she was describing my condition a bit overdramatically and I laughed. But now, I see what she means. Now, I get it.

After crying on Sharon for a few minutes, I headed out for my weekly acupuncture at the naturopath. My migraine ramped up to a seven on the pain scale after last week’s treatment, which I told her, so she did a gentler procedure on me today — although she said my kidney function was “very low.” “I’m very stressed.” was my reply. The treatment went fine. Melissa has a really great office, very peaceful and zen, and I actually look forward to lying there for awhile with needles in my spine. But on my way home I started getting shaky and by the time I got home I was literally trembling. I thought maybe I needed to eat, so I grabbed a high-protien sandwhich, but still not better. I spent the rest of the day lying down and fighting nausea. I would stand up every now and then to do something essential, like making the kids a snack, or moving the accumulated crap off of the guest “bed” (aka the downstairs couch) so that Souren could come camp out for a few weeks. But after ten minutes of activity my head was spinning so badly I had to lay back down.

Finally at 4pm I realized there was no way on earth that I was going to be able to host Monkfish Abbey, even though I did have four versions of leftover soup defrosting on the stove. So a hasty email and a note on the door called the whole thing off. Alicia’s cousin and his partner from LA were in the NW visitng, and came back home from a day in Vancouver to expereince the Abbey — and alas, no one was here. A couple other people didn’t get the email and showed up, but seeing the note on the door that both Cate and I were sick, decided not to come in and visit Paul lest they catch what might be the plague. The naturopath says next week we’ll just use tunning forks.

Tunning forks. This is what my healthcare practice has come down to. What’s next? Snake charming?

Today I managed to move through life with a level 3 on the pain scale migraine, which right now is downright normal feeling. I took the girls to school in my pajamas and my winter coat, then soaked in epsom salts because all my joints were aching (leftover acupuncture effect?) After an hour of progressive getting-readying with multiple rest stops on top of my bedcovers, I finally got dressed and downstairs. By lunch the nauseua was gone and I could eat a burritto (egg and beans…come on protien!) By the afternoon I was able to clear my bulletin board to make space for the new Zine storyboards (I gave up on a whole book), sort by collage ephemera, answer some email, do an online interview for Redbook over email and chat with my favorite Anglican priest, Paul Roberts — who told me this hilarious off colored joke about George Bush’s visit to hell.

Souren came home from school and showed me funny things on the internet while I finished sorting out four weeks worth of backlog in my office. Then the girls and I walked to the library to pick up a weekend supply of books. On the way home we visited the Fremont Troll and they bravely climbed on his fingers even though it was already dark. Some asshole driver on his cell phone nearly hit us in the crosswalk–how do you not see two children in hot pink jackets!! I’m sad to report that I did not “become the peace I seek in the world,’ but instead yelled at the guy and flipped him off — flipping someone off being the universal sign for “what-the-hell-are-you-thinking-running-over-two-children-with-pink-mini-mouse-umbrellas!” But now we’ve made it home for frozen pizza and a bag of salad, so what else could be better?

Normally I would roll my eyes at any blogger who posted something like this. This is called a “cereal post”…as in “today when I woke up I ate some cereal…” But it’s just so good to have a day this close to normal. It almost makes me scared to go to sleep tonight…what if it’s all gone tomorrow? (Yep, this is how my mind now works. I didn’t used to be this person)

I am, however very very thankful for today. Praise be! Let’s go eat pizza.