Anne Lamott says that there are two important things to remember when you are writing. One is that you only have to write a little bit at a time — as much as you can see say, through a one inch picture frame. One scene, one bit of conversation, etc. You just do it bird by bird.

The second thing to remember is that there is great value in shitty first drafts. Who cares if they are long and jumpy and emotionally overwrought? You can’t get a half way decent second draft, or a pretty good third draft, unless you write the really shitty first draft.

So in honor of the priestess herself, I have started a new category of blog posts, entitled SFD. (See sidebar) Unlike my 15minute power blogs, which are an attempt to snapshot a few things that I’m thinking of, my SFDs will be actual attempts at free writing on a topic. They are almost guaranteed to be maudlin, overly romantic, or just plain dumb. But it’s an experiment, and I’m going to try it. It’s also and effort to write every day, either in my paper journal (remember those?) or on my blog.

So here’s one SFD. …. Do I say “enjoy??”

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3-31-05

I have chronic migraines. Earlier today I said to myself, “Sometimes I feel like I’m dying.” Then I simultaneously thought, “That’s fucking preposterous! You’re not even close to the experience of really dying.” I mean, Terry Schivo fucking starved to death last week – and her husband and family had to watch her. She wasn’t conscious, but he was. He’s someone who would know what it really feels like to be dying.

Still, I have chronic migraines and it is hard. Last month I was all upbeat and bubbly because I was down to five migraines a month. But now I’ve had level 3-7 migraines six out of the last ten days – with one day at a 9 (just below a 10 – which I equate with “the worst pain you’ve ever experienced.” a.k.a. “labor.”) So today I am bummed. I’m still winning the emotional battle, but barely.

I feel glad that I know my body better and my intuitive impulses are now to rest, to reduce, and to be caring for myself. I didn’t do that for the first 8 months of daily pain. I just kept up my full time schedule. I just kept on keeping on. I never rested, never realized that it’s not only okay to do less, it’s actually obedience to do so. Often I worry that this downgraded Mommy-ness is shortchanging my kids. But in good moments, — in consistent moments when my behavior is actually appropriate to the reality of my health – in those moments I realize that I’m modeling reasonable, healthful patterns for my girls. I feel a little proud about that.

Once I called Jen and told her I want to write a quizilla type quiz to rank if you are a Martha Stewart Mom, and Average Joe Mom, or a Three Martini Mama. Jen laughed at me and said, “You? A slacker mom? Next to me you’re June fucking Cleaver!” We cracked up. But seriously, I need a quiz like that to keep me from overdoing and guilt tripping myself into an early grave. You know questions like:

How many after school activities do you schedule for your children:

a) Little Montana has ballet, French, drawing, swimming, piano, yoga and field hockey…but she has Wednesday afternoons to just play. (Martha Stewart Mom)

b) My kids are in ballet or swimming, they have to choose one each quarter. (Three Martini Mom)

c) After school? You’re supposed to pick them up after school??? (One Martini Too Many Mom)

These are the things I think about, when I have mid-grade migraines.