Patriarchal Systems
I am attending a conference for pastors and church leaders. An all-male team leads worship. The guy in front of me, running the sound, is wearing a “Proud to be an American” t shirt. The women echo the men on the choruses. The workshop options show a roster of male speakers and a session titled, “So you’re husband’s a pastor…who are you?” The administrative staff is referred to as “the gals.”
I am the female lead pastor of a church. There are probably less then ten of us, maybe less then 5 of us in the entire nation, for this denomination. We are strange fish in these waters. The tension in my throat is strong. I do not know how to live with integrity within this place.
Sometimes it is the inward nature of the church that troubles me the most – the almost impenetrable tendency to hole up within these four walls and just ask God for goodies, to look for the Holy Spirit fill-up and the spiritual warm fuzzies. But within that I still see God’s patient presence; God still speaking, still moving, still blessing, still healing.
So here today I wonder; if I can usually make space for that tendency, why can’t I make space today for these people and their systems? Why can’t I eat the fish and spit out the bones? Why can’t I accept the love and earnestness of these folks and let the rest lie?
Images of life with my in-laws comes to mind; their distinct Midwestern Bible-belt culture, the habits of their every day living. When I am within them I do not breathe normally. The air there is different and it strains my lungs and tightens my throat. Everyone in the family says to me, “You’re so different from Mom.” No one disputes that I am a fish out of water in their homes. But we make space for one another. We have figured out a very basic dance, and there is love there for each other, and at least a small amount of space for different ways of being.
But still, I do not breathe normally there. My throat constricts, as it is constricted here. What is the common denominator?….
Patriarchy all the subtle and no so subtle messages that men are in charge, that women echo. And this is not just a difference in style or culture. This is a justice issue. So my spirit doesn’t lie at rest, my heart does not beat easy here. I strain to breathe in these waters. I feel they are contaminated. And I do not know what to do about it.
A man stands now at the microphone (one in a long series of men) and discusses the local leadership training school. They don’t advertise for students. They only tell the pastors and then they ask the pastors to nominated students, “Because you know who you want to pour time into.” The last time I was at a leadership conference for this same group, a man stood at the microphone and said that he could only raise up young male leaders because only men can mentor men, and only women can mentor women. So the male pastors can only mentor men, and the male pastors get to choose who goes to the leadership school. But we want to “raise up” women in leadership as well.
Interesting.
Last time, when I pointed out this systemic error I was told, “I’m not sure your agenda is the same as ours.” My agenda. Not a Spirit-birthed, God-given call worthy of carving out space for, but a narcissistic self-promoting passion better suited for “some place else.”
Rare will be the woman who makes it here. And silent will be the feminine voice of God. How do I breathe here? Where do I catch my breath? Should I even try?
Rachelle, I encourage you to think of it in a slightly different way. You have your foot in the door of a dominated by male establishment. A boys club, if you will. You are breaking down ,with what may seem like a small sword, many of the walls that are being built to keep you out. You have strong male mentors, you pastor your own congregation, to name a couple. You are on the front lines of a battle that might not be over soon, but I think one day you’ll turn around and realize that you have an army of people behind you backing you up. Male and Female. This generation’s Recruits are the next generation of Generals.
Rachelle -
I’m a newish reader of your blog. If I’ve followed your links correctly… I’ve been a “member” of your denomination for over 25 years. Thank you - Oh, I can’t find words that sound right for how I want to say “thanks” and “keep going” that don’t sound childish… but I’m glad you are there.
girl, my heart goes out to you. God only knows if you truly are “breaking down” the system. I hope so. But I am with you and hear you. If I were there I would have to laugh just so I would not cry. I hope the Lord would show you something very funny.
rachelle, i wish i could echo these thankful, well-wishing, and hopeful, but im just a persistent bridge burner… im always one to throw away without a second thought… and everything in me wants to tell you “Get out now… this patriarchal shit is about to burn down anyway.”
its not about to burn down, though. well at least not in certain places.
but i suppose we can be placed in certain circumstances for a reason. i couldnt do what you do. i hope that the meaning of your situation becomes a passion, something that drives you… if it isn’t already. we vega/staces smile when we think of you… we miss you.
oh, i forgot, i loved your comment about “the gals” as the admin staff.
at _my_ place of employment, we call the pastoral staff “the boyz.”
I hear you Rachelle
my throat constricts with yours. i have been so jealous of your title, or your opportunity, your ‘flock’. not the kind of jealous that doesn’t want you to have it too, but just wanting the opportunity to have the same for myself too.
our church has two women on staff - both are more lettered and educated than all the other men on staff - they are called ‘directors’, not pastors. this is a battle worth fighting. small inroads and ground taken will be claimed by those who follow.
i never realized the path you are blazing comes with so many rivers to cross and so many battles to fight. thank you for being willing to keep blazing, keep moving forward.
you inspire me, please know that you are making a difference. you are holding the space (as jen would call it) for those who will follow. you’re making the church our daughter’s inherit a better place for them.
please know how much you, your blog and your ministry have encourage me. thank you, you will be in my prayers.
You’re a pioneer Rachelle and I don’t think it’s ever easy to be a pioneer. But I think you have all the strength that you need for the journey because you know that what you are doing is Spirit-breathed, it is a calling. It’s not an agenda, though their use of this word is just an attempt to deligitimize your call by casting it in the context of the political, the worldly. It’s polite, but wholly dishonest and dishonoring and infuriating.
Your call is a tough one. Every message put forth by your denomination about who is “supposed” to be a leader doesn’t look like you. I’ve had personal experience with it and I know how crushing it can be.
You may end up leaving this particular place. If God makes other provision for you, then there’s no shame in that. But if you stay, know that there are many people who love you and are praying for you. Me included.
Peace,
Karen
I pray you may have grace to respond in the opposite spirit. That whenever control wants to shut you up, you may offer the spirit of Freedom. When legalism shows its ugly head, that you may offer the spirit of Grace. When scarcity wants to choke you, that you may respond in the spirit of Abundance.
Btw, the new mantra in our ministry is: Gifting, not gender. Gifting, not gender. Gifting, not gender.
Blessings! You definitely are a Kingdom pioneer.
Holding you in the Light - as my heart aches. Only you know what the Spirit in her wisdom is calling you to. I will continue to hold you in the Light.
Rachelle,
I echo Idelette and MLJ. There are many women in your denomination who, though they might not be called pastor, are actually functioning in that role. The challenge is to not only bring the real name to the function, but to also help people see that to do so is so very _biblical_, and to do that in just the ways they describe.
Here are a couple things John Wimber once said that may be relevant: “My friend is not my enemy, even if he sins against me…To lead is to be criticized, to advance is to be attacked. Critics demoralize…leaders motivate…God delivers.”
So many of us, though we are not in the place to do what you are doing, will hold space for you, will stand on each side of you and hold up your arms. And… remember, the Spirit of God is Breath.
Dana
Your denomination (which has also been mine since 1992) is, frankly, an “old boys club” on many levels. The fact that it’s mostly men is almost irrelevant — it’s the attitude of who’s the “inner circle” (mostly ‘old’ boys at this time) that is the problem.
I’d suggest some caution in trying too hard to “break in” to this circle, because whether it’s made up of male or female, or male & female, it’s still an elitist group attitude that needs to die.
Speaking as a younger male who tried (unsuccessfully) to break into the “inner circle” of our denomination, I finally threw up my hands in frustration and said, “why am I trying so hard to be a part of something that I ultimately don’t agree with?”.
So, now I enjoy being anonymous and not-noticed, and in all seriousness, I actually find more peace and vitality in simply being who I am, and doing what I do, and (if I may indulge myself with this comment) to hell with the hierarchical system of churchianity, period.
I feel sick to my stomach.
Still, don’t give up.
Maybe it’s too soon.
(I knew I moved away from the Midwest for a reason…)
Rachelle,
I get it. I was in your shoes in 1999 at the national conference, and I was compeletely, utterly invisible. If it weren’t for Richard and Carolyn Foster I would have been totaly demoralized. The hardest part for me is that in our denomination they say they really want to raise up women leaders and then refuse to examine their behavior. It makes me crazy. Sometimes I wish they’d be like the Southern Baptists and at least speak consistently with their actions.
I agree with all the comments here - you are paving the way for the future. Take heart. But it’s ok to grieve along the way.