You’re My Medicine
A Lisa Loeb song is in my head:
It’s a bad day.
It’s a train ride.
It’s a bad day.
You’re my medicine.
Don’t know what that means..but it seems appropriate.
One of my friend’s children is so ill that she’s going to be in the hospital for a long long time. Another friend is 8 weeks pregnant and throwing up so badly that she’s already got the nurse coming to her house twice a week for IV treatments and she’s been in the hospital three times. My sister has extra fluid on her brain and spinal cord, which apparently has no known cause, so the doctors just throw random pharmacuetical treatments at it and tap her spinal fluid like a beer keg when the pressure gets to high. In the mean time, she loses her vision when she bends down to tie her two-year-olds shoes and he does things like, take off in a department store and she can’t find him because– you know–she’s temporarily blind.
And did I mention that this whole time there’s a tape playing in my head. It goes something like this:
“The gift of healing should be normative. You should be able to ‘be like Jesus’ and call on the Father to miraculously heal people from illness. His disciples did it, and he said, ‘go and do likewise.’ If you aren’t doing this you don’t have enough faith, or they don’t have enough faith, or something. Also, (and this is one of my favorite painful ‘Wimberisms’) ‘you only have has much of the Spirit as you want’–which my brain translates as, ‘So if you don’t got enough of the HS to channel into healing your friends and loved ones, or saving thier babies, or making them not so mindsick, then you just don’t really want it badly enough. (Ya big lame dummy.)”
Needless to say this is a very bad tape. Needless to say, inspite of many rounds of self-help talk, this tape still comes back. Needless to say, even though I spent my much-beloved half hour centering on God and asking him to show me what the father was doing, I still feel crappy…and scared…and mostly, sad. Sad that all these loved ones are sick. Sad that I can’t heal anyone like Jesus did. (Please, don’t start lecturing me about “it’s not really you who heal, it’s God through you.” I know all that stuff okay? 15 years in the charismatic church, remember?)
Also my IM isn’t working and I can’t talk to Jen.
And I miss Lindell.
And April moves to Maryland this week. (Due to the evil influences of BrianMcC!)
Anyway, it’s been a sad day — although, mericfully, sunny and 75, which is a big deal in Seattle in March.
It’s a sinking feeling,
pulls me through this sea of chairs.
When will you come rescue me,
find solace, and then take me there?
You’ll say, “You’re not to tired for this life, and
it’s not gonna matter if you fall down twice.”
These are the times that cause me to feel that following Jesus sucks, when I can’t see much happening…It’s been that way for me for about 4 years….makes one long for the good old days…:)
Rachelle,
Our prayers are going out to the Father for you and yours from Pittsburgh today.
On another note if your IM is not working try Skype-www.skype.com. It is a program that will allow you to talk for free to sisters and brothers all over the world. It is free of adware and spyware. Last thursday I participated in a grathering with Jamie from BeChurch. (http://bechurch.net/archives/000220.php) We used Webcams and Skype. just so you know, I am in Pittsburgh, PA and Jamie was in Chilliwack, B.C., Canada. We think this may be a way for groups all over the world to keep in touch and participate with each other over long distances. So if you decide to give Skype a try give me a call. My call name is: watercarrier
Peace
Hi Rachelle,
I found your blog through your Next Wave article. It’s a good read.
I’m a sort-of Vineyard-ite too. Our church was among one of the last planted out of the Anaheim Vineyard while John Wimber was still the pastor. I became a believer two years after the church plant, but “as John (W. - not the apostle) used to say” is still very evident in many of the things we hear. Many people also express the sort of internal conflict that you wrote about. This feeling that, if only they were more faithful, then people would get healed. It’s painful for them and we do have this environment that expects miracles - all the time.
I counted it as a small victory when prayed for my son to not have pain when he lost his fingernail recently and he did feel better, whether it was due to my prayer or his own tolerance for pain, I don’t know. When I related the story to some church friends, one commented, “Oh, I thought you were going to say that his fingernail grew back.” I felt that I hadn’t done it right somehow. Those tapes were playing, as you described, and it’s hard to turn them off.
Peace to your family and friends who are suffering. Thanks for your writing.
Karen
Hi Rachelle, I’m right there with you, thankfully it’s raining again today, I think these feeling days are better in the rain.
whichi s one of 10,000 reasons i dont want to move to maryland right now. its too sunny over there.
Rachelle, you’re in my thoughts and prayers. My little abbey in Seattle has been on my mind a lot lately. I miss you guys and the sweet times we shared on Thursday nights. I pray that my favorite soup chef will feel strengthened and fed by the Spirit the same way that she has fed so many others.
-L
You express the frustrations I feel so eloquently, Rachelle. There are moments when the walk gets almost too tiring. Thanks for sharing.
I love your blog. I suggested to my college students that they read it, and wrote about women bloggers today on mine. It is encouraging to see how you contribute so much to the church, despite the constant bullshit.
Love, Jenell